Superman vs. Jurassic Park

Carried from their destroyed plane by a giant green pterodactyl, what fate awaits Clark Kent and Lois Lane??

Fortunately for Clark, Lois has been knocked out in the attack thus allowing him to beat up the pterodactyl mid-air. Unfortunately, this leaves him with nowhere to go but down.

Upon landing in a deep jungle Clark dons his Superman costume, and notices that while Lois appears to have regained consciousness she remains dazed and unresponsive.

Deciding that the only way to cure her is to procure some water from a nearby stream, Superman rushes to do so.

Returning to Lois with his cupped hands full of life-giving water, Superman finds her about to be attacked by a giant yellow rat. What? Well hey just be glad we've moved past generic thugs at last, okay??

Superman has never been more excited for a fight, and gets so distracted in throwing this rat out to sea (where it dies) that he doesn't notice Lois being taken away in an airplane until it's too late.

Following the plane to a nearby city, Superman is ordered by Luthor's disembodied voice to offer no resistance or Lois will be killed. Luthor sends Lois to the "green laboratory" where he promises her senses will be returned. At this point Superman must be feeling pretty sheepish, after all this is bound to be a little more effective than his "water!" plan.

Luthor gives Superman a tour of the fantastic city, which you will remember was raised from the ocean floor during the last update. As it happens this is the lost continent of Pacifo, and Luthor stole the world's oil supply in order to raise it to the surface. That doesn't explain the earthquake at all, so I'll just assume it was included to be "exciting".

Next, Luthor shows Superman that he has recreated dinosaurs (a good forty years before John Hammond!) and plans to loose them on the world in order to break its spirit. WOW, that would be a brilliant plan in a world without guns!

What are those anyway, an iguana and some half-baked hornless triceratops? (leptoceratops says google!) "The cities of the world will tremble when their parks are slightly less aesthetically pleasing after my vicious herbivores have eaten all the foliage!"

However, Luthor is not without mercy and offers to spare the world the minor inconvenience of having to clean their streets of tons of dinosaur poo if Superman agrees to help him with some unspecified task. While Superman considers the offer his superhearing picks up a pair of guards discussing the fact that when Luthor sends people to "the green laboratory" he wants them DEAD.

Wait a minute, that's where Lois was sent!

Superman smashes some walls, kills some guards, and saves Lois from her fate. Luthor takes this to mean Superman will not, in fact, be helping him out and takes The Man of Steel and Lois to a giant arena. Meanwhile, AMERICA notices the strange city and sends pilots to check it out with orders to gas the place at the first sign of trouble.

Back in the arena Superman is attacked by...wow, what IS that? What's going on with its anatomy? Apart from its broken leg, it appears to be nothing less than a man in a suit. Also, take it from me: Licking babies is never the solution to your problems! Don't do what Superman does.

Superman bodyslams the tiny t-rex putting a stop to the fight almost immediately, which causes Luthor to order his guards to turn their deadly green rays on Superman. Remember those? From the first Luthor story? Continuity!

At this point those U.S. planes from earlier show up and start dropping gas everywhere without any provocation or reason whatsoever. I suppose it's possible they saw Superman and Lois being held at gunpoint and decided to help, but then why drop GAS? That's one out of control air force.

Luthor flees into a laboratory and begins to lower the city beneath the ocean once more. I already thought Luthor's dinosaur-releasing plan was retarded, but now it's clear he didn't even prepare for the eventuality that someone might attempt to stop him. This is just terrible super-villainy!

Superman, Lois cradled lovingly in his arms, chases Luthor who sets the leptoceratops and guy-in-rubber-t-rex-suit on him. Superman leaps away, and for whatever reason this causes the dinosaurs to attack Luthor instead. And as we all know Luthor died here and never appeared in a comic again.

Smashing the city's glass dome Superman destroys it and all the wonders of science contained therein. Another job well done, Clark Kent takes Lois to a doctor to deal with whatever it was that was supposed to be wrong with her.

Well shoot, that was easy! He must have given her some water. Lois doesn't remember what happened after the pterodactyl attacked, so Clark just tells her they crashed on a beach. Clark then writes a story on the crazy island (which should really prove to Lois that he's a God damn liar) and Editor George Taylor praises him for another brilliant scoop. This prompts Clark to make the funniest joke in history which I will recreate here in its entirety: "I bet even SUPERMAN couldn't have done it better!"

Oh go to Hell, Clark.

Next time: Superman races a train! Thugs do naughty things! A crime lord is called and warned of Superman's approach! Someone commits suicide! Yes, it's the most generic Superman yet!

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Where Will Luthor's Face Show Up Next??

One by one the oil wells of the world are drying up, and Clark Kent is sent to Oklahoma to find out why! Rushing to the scene as Superman, The Man of Tomorrow quickly notices he's picked up a tail in the form of a Superman-seeking missile. Unable to shake it, Superman instead opts to mount the missile and attempt to disable it, a task which he is all too suited for.

The missile's radio control circuits removed, the now-familiar face of Luthor appears before Superman's eyes. How does he do that anyway? I assumed when his face was on a stalagmite that he had simply built a monitor into it, but then he appeared in a tree and all logic went out the window.

Luthor's head tells Superman to keep his nose out of the "oil well mystery" or he'll wake up dead, before the missile impacts upon the ground and explodes. Superman is unfazed by this, and doesn't give in to threats anyway, so he is immediately on his way to Oklahoma once more. Upon arrival he is greeted by an earthquake that threatens to topple every oil derrick on the field!

You're holding up an entire oil derrick with your bare hands Superman, what exactly do you expect this regular human to do? Hold the ground so it stops shaking? Lay offa him, he can look if he likes!

Following Superman's oil-well rescue, Lois Lane arrives by plane. Initially disappointed that she missed seeing the object of her desire, she quickly forgets him as she and Clark Kent learn that the entire west coast is being flooded by a steadily rising ocean. On Clark's insistence the two reporters abandon the oil story, and begin to head for the coast.

They don't make it two steps however before they are stopped by a pair of men, and forced into a car. We are informed that these men were sent by Luthor to bring Lois and Clark to his secret hideout, as he remembers them having futzed with his world domination plans before. Clark, intent on keeping Lois from learning he isn't a wuss, knocks her out with a Vulcan nerve pinch before ripping the steering wheel off the car, tearing the breaks out, getting shot in the face to no effect, clonking the kidnappers' heads together, and leaving them in the car as it wildly careens off a cliff.

I like this panel, it's dynamic. No joke here, move along!

The thing about Superman is that he could walk away from such confrontations without any problem, it's not as if anyone could stop him. But no, he always goes that extra murderous mile. It's the little things that count.

When Lois awakens Clark feeds her a story about the men letting them go with a warning to stay out of Luthor's business. Lois, of course, will have none of that. The two charter a private flight to the coast, where they witness an "ancient" (sure doesn't look it) city encased in glass rise from the ocean. The glass begins to fold back, but before the reporters can figure out why they are attacked by the goofiest goddamn flying beastie this side of The Giant Claw.

The pterodactyl shreds the plane, kills the pilot, and carries Lois and Clark towards a mysterious island.

And here we must break. If you still have a craving to read about comics, I suggest you give The Random Longbox a visit for reviews of comics spanning the history of the medium. And then come right back here, because you don't want to miss...

Next Time: Lois and Clark brave . . . the Savage Land!?

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With the Contest Over, Superman Formulates a Plan

The military developed an earthquake machine, Luthor kidnapped its creator and attempted to steal the machine itself but Superman prevented him from getting it, and now the two of them are involved in a battle of man vs. machine! Superman won the first round, a race around the world, can he win the rest? Let's find out.

The next contest is to see who can rise higher in the sky before returning to the Earth: Superman, or the plane he just beat in a race around the world. Superman uses his muscles of coiled steel to leap straight into space alongside the plane, where the lack of gravity strands both it and its two pilots with no way down. Superman, however, kicks his legs as if in water and swims his way to the ground, securing himself the victory. That's how space works, right? It's thick, sort of like a molasses? Yeah!

Imagine being those two pilots! When you sign on for a fun contest against the planet's mightiest hero, you don't exactly expect to be left to slowly suffocate/freeze in the cold embrace of space.

And their families! "Sure dear, go have fun with that Superman. I know you'll be safe in his hands!"

Next Luthor uses electromagnetism to lift a giant boulder, knowing full-well that Superman couldn't possibly do the same. But somehow, someway, the man who just leapt straight into outer-space finds it within him to lift not only the boulder, but Lex's remaining plane over his head as well.

At this point Luthor gets desperate and simply chucks a grenade at Superman to see "who is the most vulnerable". When the grenade fails he fires a canonball, followed by deadly gas at our hero. Hardly a fair contest! Shouldn't they at least take turns? Superman is slow to cotton to the BS he's being fed, but eventually he has enough and offers to find out which cracks first: Luthor's skull or his plane's hull. At this point Luthor wisely cedes the victory.

Handing over that scientist dude who invented that earthquake thing, Luthor leaves a very confused Superman in his wake.

Hah yes, it's ALMOST as if you just had a contest where the loser had to do exactly what Luthor just did. But, no...this is a mystery that will be forever unsolved.

Superman's doubts were not unfounded however, as the contest was merely a distractionary measure to allow Luthor's henchmen to steal the earthquake machine without Superman's interference. Of course, if Luthor would simply learn to hold his tongue and stop telling Superman every time he's going to steal something then he wouldn't need to arrange these games.

This is amazing. Do you see that panel there? What idea do you think the professor's words gave Superman? Do you think maybe it's to use the professor's self proclaimed ability to recreate the machine in some way? Perhaps to build another one and fight fire with fire?? Well NO, the idea it gave Superman was to destroy the original machine.

Yeah, I'm serious. He needed outside input to come up with that.

So with that plan having been formulated, the professor tells Superman that Luthor held him captive in Satan's Canyon. Arriving at the canyon Superman is met by falling boulders triggered by Luthor's earthquake machine! These pose no threat to our hero. Following that he falls into a pit and is beset by wolves, which post no threat! Emerging from the pit he is hit by a gas which... knocks him out immediately? Well, okay I guess.

Here things get really rushed: Superman's lifeless body is shot with the Earthquake machine causing him to be buried, he once again uses his ability to "flail about" to burrow to freedom, once above ground he kicks a wall which destroys the earthquake machine which was theoretically sitting on top of it but there is no time to show that because Superman has to pose majestically while wishing he could kill Luthor who somehow disappeared but there's no time to dwell on that because now we're back at the professor's lab and he's committed suicide, hold on suicide? Why would he com-THE END!

All he can see is miles of red fabric.

They probably should have devoted the entire issue to those goofy trials instead of shoving them into a story about an earthquake machine, at least then the ending wouldn't have had to be rushed onto a single page. But hey, at least Superman's plan worked.

Next time: Luthor! Again!?

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Superman vs. Luthor at the FUNlympics!

Earthquakes are a rare sight in Metropolis, so when Superman #4 opens with one The Daily Sta-...sorry, The Daily Planet's editor sends ace reporter Clark Kent out to cover it. Clark suspects something is afoot, and so delegates the job to his good friend Superman.

Yes, it's The Daily Planet now and no longer The Daily Star! As us prideful Canadians know Metropolis was initially based on Toronto, and The Daily Star was named for Toronto's own Daily Star (now known as simply The Star). As the story goes the creators were concerned with copyright issues regarding using established newspaper names, and opted to change their fictional one to avoid potential lawsuits. The change first appeared in the Superman newspaper comic strip, followed by Action Comics #23 and Superman #4. You might notice that I missed this when summarizing Action Comics #23, and in that case I ask that you look at something distracting while I make my escape.

Superman saves people from the earthquake, including a kid trapped under a massive steel girder:

Notice that he's lifting that girder between his legs. The resultant shuffle to the side before awkwardly dropping it must have looked real super! Also, I'm fairly certain that kid is dead.


Reporting back to the Planet Clark Kent reveals that he somehow learned the source of the earthquake while offpanel: a military device designed to create earthquakes that went haywire! Clark immediately heads out to interview the machine's inventor, who welcomes him with open arms. Then he shouts "Meddler!" and strikes Clark in the back of the head with a blackjack, which is completely awesome. Following this he throws Clark's limp body out the window of his apartment building. In broad daylight.


Now this seems like an absolutely moronic thing for a scientist trying to keep a secret to do, but it isn't at all and you are the stupid one for thinking it! What it actually is is an absolutely moronic thing for a thug trying to keep a secret while pretending to be a scientist to do. Either way you don't really want the attention that dumping a body out of your window and onto the street is likely to bring. I guess what I'm saying is that I just want my hired thugs to be written a little more intelligently!

Clark Kent, now Superman, grabs hold of the building and begins the ascent back to his point of origin. Meanwhile the evil thug reports in to a mysterious red-haired man via a video screen embedded in his suitcase. The red-haired man notices Superman outside the building via his own suitcase, and sends a "weird plane" to drop a bomb on him!

Superman catches the bomb and tosses it back at the plane, adding yet another hit to the list of things that don't pose a problem to Superman. So far nothing DOES pose a problem, and I can see why they would eventually introduce Kryptonite.

The plane destroyed, Superman returns to the lab to find it empty apart from a talking suitcase. Superman recognizes the man in the suitcase as his brand new arch-enemy: "LUTHOR! The mad scientist who plots to dominate the Earth!" Luthor reveals that he has kidnapped the real professor, but he has thus far failed to force the man to build him an earthquake machine.

Having admitted incompetence to his super-powered foe, Luthor next all but gives away the next step of his plan when he states that he "may be more fortunate with the army itself!" Is he trying to be foiled? Come on.

So yes, Luthor next sends his men to the army camp containing an already constructed earthquake machine with the intention of stealing it. Superman, thanks to Luthor's subtle clue, is on hand to stop them! WOW!

As the men try to flee in their autogyro, Luthor makes them blow up real good so that Superman can't follow them back to his lair. Which is pretty effective at establishing him as evil, in this otherwise goofy story.

Suddenly, a tree with Luthor's face challenges Superman to a series of tests! Science vs. Muscle, loser retires from crime or crime fighting, whichever they like more. Superman has never been led astray by a tree, so he immediately agrees.

You might think it was stupid of Superman to agree to this, but he could still be written dumber! At least he isn't punching the tree and claiming victory. You half expect him to though.

Shortly, Luthor arrives in a nice red plane and tells Superman that the first challenge will be a race around the world. Superman vs. airplane! What oddly lighthearted fun from the man who just blew up his minions so Superman couldn't find him.

And so the race is on! WOO!

This. This is the weakest burn of all time.

I hope your intelligence doesn't feel insulted when I tell you that Superman wins in no time at all! It wasn't too obvious was it? Luthor is impressed by the fact that his opponent hasn't even broken a sweat, and lays down the next challenge: Who can fly higher in the sky? The airplane, or Superman using his mighty jumping ability?

FIND OUT THE RESULT TO THIS TEST AND MORE... NEXT TIME!!!

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Correcting an Egregious Error

In an earlier update I made the claim that Superman #4 consisted of reprints of stories already seen in Action Comics. I was dead wrong! Reading Action Comics #23 in order to witness Luthor's first appearance I uncovered this ad:

Which explicitly states that Superman #4 contains all new stories! HELL YES! This also means that Luthor appeared in Action Comics and Superman in the same month, clearly they had big plans for the red-headed charmer. If only he had stuck around...