Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Lois Lane, Murderess

As Clark sits around the office complaining that the news isn't coming to him (who hired this idiot?) Lois lectures him on proper reporting before setting out to find a story.

Okay, so no one is going to give a damn about some jeweler with a security system, at least it's better than the blank page soaked in his own tears and snot Clark submitted.  Unfortunately, before she can actually speak to the jeweler Lois is chroloroformed from behind by an unseen assailant.  Meanwhile Clark, inspired by Lois' own actions, goes to the police station to ask them if they have anything he can write about, and instead of telling him to do his own homework an officer brings him for a ride-along.

Sadly for Clark his arch-nemesis "Scoop" Carter of the Morning Pictorial finds his way in too!  At this point you don't even need to worry whether or not hijinx will ensue, because it's guaran-damn-teed.  The officer takes the two reporters to the house of a man named Norval, who happens to be the exact same person Lois was going to interview.  It seems there are reports of a disturbance of some kind and the three men are going to check it out.

Arriving at Norval's place they find that his much touted security system consists of having more rooms than might normally be found within a house.  Fool proof.  Not one to be defeated by a mere door, Clark uses his x-ray vision to find the room containing Norval, who is laying dead on the floor.

Scoop calls the story in to his paper, but rips the phone out of the wall before Clark can do the same.  Clark whines briefly before noticing, via super hearing, that Lois is locked in an adjoining room, unconscious.  It is left to the reader to imagine how Clark became familiar with the sound of Lois' breathing as she sleeps.

The officer, suspecting Lois of having gone on a coke-fueled stealing spree, immediately arrests her for the murder.  Also, her purse is full of stolen jewels.  Someone is setting Lois up to take the fall!  The idea is that the crazy door security system locked her in, which is why she didn't escape post-murder. 

Superman suspects she is innocent because she's his pal and so, having no respect for the law, busts her out of the squad car she's been placed in and runs off with her under a hail of bullets.

Lois tries to talk about girly things like feelings (gross!) and Superman tells her to shut her yap, he's got more important things to do like interfere in a police investigation.  God, when will women understand!? 

Causing every officer investigating the scene of the crime to run outside by knocking over an urn (!!) Superman uses his super memory to recognize that Lois' fingerprints are on the murder weapon.  Seems the odds are stacked against her!

So I remember exactly what her fingerprints look like?  That's not weird.
The police come back, presumably having returned the urn to an upright position, and Superman makes a deal with them: they let him prove who the real killer is, and, well, that's it.  They tell him the two people who would profit most from Norval's death are his nephews, John and Henry.  Superman sets out to grab them and the architect, Burkley, who designed the many-roomed house in the hopes the man will show them around the maze of rooms.

Breaking into John's apartment Superman learns that he's on a plane, possibly fleeing after having committed the murder.  Chasing the plane down on foot Superman leaps onto it in mid-air and rips the door off because how else are you going to get to a person on a passenger plane?  Wait for it to land?  God no.  Superman doesn't have that kind of time, are you nuts?   You must be thinking of Timeman.  And even he doesn't have that kind of time because that's just ridiculous.

So, John held under one arm, Superman leaps from the plane and runs to cousin Henry's house.  On the way there John reveals that his uncle sent him the plane tickets, which I guess is suspicious for some reason.  After knocking on Henry's door Superman uses his x-ray eyes to see the man hiding a mysterious package in a drawer.  Nosy as ever Superman busts into the house, shoves Henry aside, and tears the hidden package open revealing an expensive necklace.  Henry claims that his uncle sent him the necklace to sell, and that he didn't want anyone to know it was being sold.  Superman believes this may be a clue (it isn't!), and rushes off to Burkley the architect's home, one man under each arm.

Finding Burkley tired due to just having completed a rush job Superman tells him to suck it up because he's going with him whether he likes it or not.  Now three men under his arms Superman rushes back to the scene of the crime.

Throwing (!!) the men through the open window to the waiting officers, Superman hurries off to bring Lois to the scene.  Meanwhile, the officers bring another suspect in the form of a security guard Norval had fired the week before.  I have now given you every clue provided in this story, can you figure out who the killer is??  The answer may chill you to your soul.

But first Superman spins Scoop over his head because, well, why not?

Our story coming to a close Superman finds something hidden in a radio and brings an officer into the hallway to show him what it is.  Bursting back into the room the officer tells Burkley he's under arrest for the murder!  It seems what Superman found was another brilliant piece of security; a camera activated only by the sound of guns firing that captured the architect killing Norval.  It was next to the camera activated by the sound of a knife stabbing someone, and the one activated by the sound of poison being swallowed.

Norval admits to the crime, Superman reveals the camera was a lie meant to trick him into admitting his guilt (thank God something so stupid doesn't exist) and Lois is exonerated.  The end!  In case you're wondering how exactly Superman figured out who the murderer was he "prides [himself] on being a judge of character."  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to How to Write an Unsatisfying Mystery 101.

And I'll just assume Superman apologized to the innocent men he treated like criminals off camera.  A scene too awkward to draw.

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