Friday, July 3, 2009

Superman vs. Jurassic Park

Carried from their destroyed plane by a giant green pterodactyl, what fate awaits Clark Kent and Lois Lane??

Fortunately for Clark, Lois has been knocked out in the attack thus allowing him to beat up the pterodactyl mid-air. Unfortunately, this leaves him with nowhere to go but down.

Upon landing in a deep jungle Clark dons his Superman costume, and notices that while Lois appears to have regained consciousness she remains dazed and unresponsive.

Deciding that the only way to cure her is to procure some water from a nearby stream, Superman rushes to do so.

Returning to Lois with his cupped hands full of life-giving water, Superman finds her about to be attacked by a giant yellow rat. What? Well hey just be glad we've moved past generic thugs at last, okay??

Superman has never been more excited for a fight, and gets so distracted in throwing this rat out to sea (where it dies) that he doesn't notice Lois being taken away in an airplane until it's too late.

Following the plane to a nearby city, Superman is ordered by Luthor's disembodied voice to offer no resistance or Lois will be killed. Luthor sends Lois to the "green laboratory" where he promises her senses will be returned. At this point Superman must be feeling pretty sheepish, after all this is bound to be a little more effective than his "water!" plan.

Luthor gives Superman a tour of the fantastic city, which you will remember was raised from the ocean floor during the last update. As it happens this is the lost continent of Pacifo, and Luthor stole the world's oil supply in order to raise it to the surface. That doesn't explain the earthquake at all, so I'll just assume it was included to be "exciting".

Next, Luthor shows Superman that he has recreated dinosaurs (a good forty years before John Hammond!) and plans to loose them on the world in order to break its spirit. WOW, that would be a brilliant plan in a world without guns!

What are those anyway, an iguana and some half-baked hornless triceratops? (leptoceratops says google!) "The cities of the world will tremble when their parks are slightly less aesthetically pleasing after my vicious herbivores have eaten all the foliage!"

However, Luthor is not without mercy and offers to spare the world the minor inconvenience of having to clean their streets of tons of dinosaur poo if Superman agrees to help him with some unspecified task. While Superman considers the offer his superhearing picks up a pair of guards discussing the fact that when Luthor sends people to "the green laboratory" he wants them DEAD.

Wait a minute, that's where Lois was sent!

Superman smashes some walls, kills some guards, and saves Lois from her fate. Luthor takes this to mean Superman will not, in fact, be helping him out and takes The Man of Steel and Lois to a giant arena. Meanwhile, AMERICA notices the strange city and sends pilots to check it out with orders to gas the place at the first sign of trouble.

Back in the arena Superman is attacked, what IS that? What's going on with its anatomy? Apart from its broken leg, it appears to be nothing less than a man in a suit. Also, take it from me: Licking babies is never the solution to your problems! Don't do what Superman does.

Superman bodyslams the tiny t-rex putting a stop to the fight almost immediately, which causes Luthor to order his guards to turn their deadly green rays on Superman. Remember those? From the first Luthor story? Continuity!

At this point those U.S. planes from earlier show up and start dropping gas everywhere without any provocation or reason whatsoever. I suppose it's possible they saw Superman and Lois being held at gunpoint and decided to help, but then why drop GAS? That's one out of control air force.

Luthor flees into a laboratory and begins to lower the city beneath the ocean once more. I already thought Luthor's dinosaur-releasing plan was retarded, but now it's clear he didn't even prepare for the eventuality that someone might attempt to stop him. This is just terrible super-villainy!

Superman, Lois cradled lovingly in his arms, chases Luthor who sets the leptoceratops and guy-in-rubber-t-rex-suit on him. Superman leaps away, and for whatever reason this causes the dinosaurs to attack Luthor instead. And as we all know Luthor died here and never appeared in a comic again.

Smashing the city's glass dome Superman destroys it and all the wonders of science contained therein. Another job well done, Clark Kent takes Lois to a doctor to deal with whatever it was that was supposed to be wrong with her.

Well shoot, that was easy! He must have given her some water. Lois doesn't remember what happened after the pterodactyl attacked, so Clark just tells her they crashed on a beach. Clark then writes a story on the crazy island (which should really prove to Lois that he's a God damn liar) and Editor George Taylor praises him for another brilliant scoop. This prompts Clark to make the funniest joke in history which I will recreate here in its entirety: "I bet even SUPERMAN couldn't have done it better!"

Oh go to Hell, Clark.

Next time: Superman races a train! Thugs do naughty things! A crime lord is called and warned of Superman's approach! Someone commits suicide! Yes, it's the most generic Superman yet!

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1 comment:

  1. Hey, where are you? You promised us a post every Mon., Wed. and Friday!
    So, time to deliver.