Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Seen it All Before

Remember when Superman saved that boxer from suicide and then wasted months of his life helping him win the title back? Well get ready for some sweet, sweet continuity! Clark covered that story so well that he's earned himself a promotion, and Lois a demotion. She'll now be covering the "lovelorn column", while Clark will be doing something else that isn't specified because I guess it just isn't important. Does this mean that Clark used to be in charge of that column? I'd understand him writing in to it, but covering it himself?

Seeing Lois' anger, Clark attempts to smooth things over by offering to listen to her troubles at "some gay place". Probably not the best way to convince her of his manliness, but Clark's new at this dating thing. Lois rejects the offer in a manner so cold their editor emerges from his office to comment on it. "The less I see of that worm, the better!" I don't know if I've made it clear just how much Lois hates Clark in these comics, but that quote should help drive the point home.

Shortly after Clark slinks off with his tail between his legs a woman comes in looking for the lovelorn editor! It seems Lois' first minute in her new job will provide her with a way out of it, as this woman's husband has taken to hanging out at "Joe's Joint" and become a violent smuggler as a result. The lady wants her husband back, but Lois is more interested in the smuggling ring, and what uncovering it will do for her job.

Cut to Clark grousing about how mean Lois was when she shot him down. To be fair to Lois with the amount of times Clark has asked her out she's likely learned that kid gloves just ain't gonna cut it. But wait! She wants to go on that date after all, and would it be okay if they had it at Joe's Joint? Of course it would!

At the Joint Lois quickly spots the woman's husband, a man by the name of Lew, and while dancing with Clark gives him a dazzling wink. Seeing his chance to score, Lew asks to cut in on the reporters' dance. Clark takes umbrage at this request, and is pie-faced for his trouble. Whoa...I swear this has happened before.

Yep, it has! Superman #1 on the top, #3 on the bottom. At least he redrew the art, I guess.

Lois steals a piece of paper from Lew, revealing that some smugglin' is transpirin' that very night. She then storms out of the building, leaving Clark behind because he's a sissy and she hates him. Just like...Superman #1. Huh.

However, Lois' act of sticky fingery did not go unnoticed by Lew's companions and the three men take our intrepid reporters to a boat at gunpoint. Here Lois is accused of being a detective, while Clark begs the thugs not to manhandle her. Sadly, Clark is knocked overboard and assumed dead. Hey! Just like Superman #1! This is the most creative story yet!

Of course, Kent didn't truly drown and instead swam so quickly he reached the boat's destination before it. Just like Superman #1.

Despite the fact that Superman arrived first, the three men are allowed to drag Lois into an empty warehouse where they reveal that they smuggled jewelry so that they wouldn't have to pay customs. The ultimate scheme!!! When Lois asks why they'd reveal this to her, we already know it's because she's about to die.

However, before any triggers can be pulled The Man of Steel bursts through the warehouse's wall. Superman leaving rescues to the last second just so that he can make a dramatic entrance is pretty old hat at this point, although you'd think he would be less eager to play it this way when it's Lois who is danger.

Fortunately for Superman (who loves to show off!) Lew is so shocked by his entrance that he accidentally fires his gun straight at Lois. And here we get our very first "faster than a speeding bullet" moment.

That's history, folks!

I'd feel just awful if I didn't point out that Superman stepped in front of a hail of bullets to save Lois' life once before. Can you guess where that happened? Yeah, Superman #1.

Superman then beats up the thugs, and takes 'em off to Jail. Lois begs him to stay with her, but Superman simply says "Sorry -- I can't remain!"

That's all sorts of romantic, until you realize why he couldn't stay. See, Lois returns to the Daily Star to turn in her story on the jewel smugglers, only to find that Clark Kent scooped her and his story is already in print. That's right, he couldn't remain because he had to rush home to steal her story from her. Lois is for her part surprised that Clark is even alive. These two sure do treat each other like shit! THE END.

Well that was certainly a lazily written tale. Hey, remember the lady that wanted her husband back? Well neither did the man who wrote this story!

NEXT TIME: Superman #4 begins!

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