Superman vs. Gambling

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Superman Issue 5!

To start this exciting Superman adventure intrepid reporters Lois and Clark bear witness to a crooked convenience store owner tricking kids into losing their lunch money on his slot machines.  The guy is clearly a total jerk (what does he want with a few nickels anyway?), but even still the panic with which Lois/Clark interrupt the children's slot-use is a bit over the top.  The guy kicks them out of his store, and Lois can't help but call Clark a coward for not kicking the crap out of him.  Was beating people up for doing stuff you don't like really common in the 40s, or is Lois just crazy?

One of the boys realizes he will be late for school due to his newfound gambling addiction, and rushes into the street without looking both ways first!!  Heck, they were probably going to teach that lesson in class today, another failure of the public school sysem.  Clark sees the boy about to be hit by a truck, and leaps to his rescue.  This act of heroism is met with high praise from the truck driver, and even Lois!  Fearing they are on to his secret identity, Clark takes this opportunity to faint.

"Good, you should be."

Entering a store in search of a glass of water to calm Clark's jangled nerves, L&C discover yet another slot machine!  Looking at the shopkeep's moustache Clark deems him to be an upstanding citizen, and asks why he'd have a child-corrupting devil machine in his store.  The moustachioed proprietor explains that "Slug" Kelly and his toughs (enough with the toughs!) forced him to make use of it.

Lois heads to Slug's hideout, Clark timidly following along.  Unfortunately asking Slug to stop stealing lunch money from grade-schoolers only leads to him locking our heroes up.  Letting the two sweat for a while in captivity, Slug eventually brings Lois a paper to sign admitting that her editor (George Taylor, for you trivia buffs!) is in league with Slug in the slot-machine biz, and that Lois herself is their go-between!  Lois refuses to sign, until Slug threatens the life of Clark Kent.  Unwilling to let an innocent suffer when she can do something about it, Lois signs the fraudulent paper.

But little do they all know, Clark Kent is actually Superman!  Still locked in a seperate room, Clark changes into his blue tights and blasts the door from its hinges sending "screws and bolts flying" through the air!  The next panel brilliantly shows him catching it before it can hit the ground, as Superman states he doesn't want to make too much noise lest anyone hear him.  There are probably quieter ways of opening doors than punching them off their hinges, but I can't think of any and neither can Superman!

Look at this asshole, he even shouts "Make way!" as he punches it! 

Obviously Superman isn't afraid of getting hurt by these ordinary dudes, so he's likely being "quiet" to spare Lois potential harm.  Of course the next thing he does is shout "I'm on my way!" as he runs down the hall, and straight into a thug.  Being run into by a charging Superman isn't something a person is likely to recover from quickly, so I assume a good amount of time takes place between the panel where Superman bumps the guy and the next where the poor fool pulls a gun.  Superman, naturally, slaps the bullet back into the gun thus disarming the thug.  We know he loves to show off, but what about being quiet??  For Lois' sake, man!

The very next thing he does is go into a room full of slot machines and punch the shit out of them, before throwing them through the wall and into the building's back lot.  Is that quiet??

Evidently not!

The thugs find him destroying more machines, and fire their tommy guns at him to no effect.  Next they try gas, and Superman...

Oh my God!  This is too much.  Lois is in danger, and this guy decides to pretend to pass out for fun?  Is it too late to call someone competant?  The Bizarro of this world must be one heroic dude.

The thugs try to kill him with blunt objects while he's down, with an obvious conclusion.  Let's just, not get into it. 

 

Superman "awakens" and the thugs next try to kill him with torches they pulled from God knows where, perhaps mistaking him for Frankenstein's monster.  Tossing the torches aside, and setting the building ablaze in the process, Superman takes the time to recover some documents from a vault.  Slug and his men flee the building, leaving Lois and "the strong man" to burn.

Oh yeah, Lois!  Well hey, she's passed out from smoke inhalation because someone was too busy dicking around to save her.  This is what she deserves for selflessly sacrificing on your behalf not two minutes ago, Superman you ass.  No worries though, Superman carries her outside before going back for "Clark" (actually the secret documents!).

Things begin to wrap up: as Lois' admission that her editor was in cahoots with Slug is printed in a rival paper Clark uses the stolen documents to prove the claim false.  Superman then goes around town smashing up all the slot machines, while Lois gets kidnapped by Slug and his cronies as they drive out of town!

The kindly moustachioed shopkeep decides to get rid of his own slot machine before Superman arrives, an act which the passing Slug plans to put a stop to.  However, before Slug can harm the old man Superman intervenes and saves both the moustache and Lois.

Carrying Slug to the local public school, Superman makes him tell the children that his machines were fixed and they never could have won.  Which, really, isn't going to dissuade them from gambling.  "Oh, the fixed machines are gone?  Great, now we can gamble safely!"  Another good job, Superman.

The story finally (finally) comes to an end as a police sergeant is unable to arrest Slug due to lack of witnesses to his confession...until hundreds of children pour into the station!  How the hell did they know?  Creepy psychic kids.

Just to drive home how angry slots make Superman, we end with him looking directly at us with more disgust than I think I've ever witnessed in a human being.  I'm so sorry Superman, I will never gamble!

Seen it All Before

Remember when Superman saved that boxer from suicide and then wasted months of his life helping him win the title back? Well get ready for some sweet, sweet continuity! Clark covered that story so well that he's earned himself a promotion, and Lois a demotion. She'll now be covering the "lovelorn column", while Clark will be doing something else that isn't specified because I guess it just isn't important. Does this mean that Clark used to be in charge of that column? I'd understand him writing in to it, but covering it himself?

Seeing Lois' anger, Clark attempts to smooth things over by offering to listen to her troubles at "some gay place". Probably not the best way to convince her of his manliness, but Clark's new at this dating thing. Lois rejects the offer in a manner so cold their editor emerges from his office to comment on it. "The less I see of that worm, the better!" I don't know if I've made it clear just how much Lois hates Clark in these comics, but that quote should help drive the point home.

Shortly after Clark slinks off with his tail between his legs a woman comes in looking for the lovelorn editor! It seems Lois' first minute in her new job will provide her with a way out of it, as this woman's husband has taken to hanging out at "Joe's Joint" and become a violent smuggler as a result. The lady wants her husband back, but Lois is more interested in the smuggling ring, and what uncovering it will do for her job.

Cut to Clark grousing about how mean Lois was when she shot him down. To be fair to Lois with the amount of times Clark has asked her out she's likely learned that kid gloves just ain't gonna cut it. But wait! She wants to go on that date after all, and would it be okay if they had it at Joe's Joint? Of course it would!

At the Joint Lois quickly spots the woman's husband, a man by the name of Lew, and while dancing with Clark gives him a dazzling wink. Seeing his chance to score, Lew asks to cut in on the reporters' dance. Clark takes umbrage at this request, and is pie-faced for his trouble. Whoa...I swear this has happened before.

Yep, it has! Superman #1 on the top, #3 on the bottom. At least he redrew the art, I guess.

Lois steals a piece of paper from Lew, revealing that some smugglin' is transpirin' that very night. She then storms out of the building, leaving Clark behind because he's a sissy and she hates him. Just like...Superman #1. Huh.

However, Lois' act of sticky fingery did not go unnoticed by Lew's companions and the three men take our intrepid reporters to a boat at gunpoint. Here Lois is accused of being a detective, while Clark begs the thugs not to manhandle her. Sadly, Clark is knocked overboard and assumed dead. Hey! Just like Superman #1! This is the most creative story yet!

Of course, Kent didn't truly drown and instead swam so quickly he reached the boat's destination before it. Just like Superman #1.

Despite the fact that Superman arrived first, the three men are allowed to drag Lois into an empty warehouse where they reveal that they smuggled jewelry so that they wouldn't have to pay customs. The ultimate scheme!!! When Lois asks why they'd reveal this to her, we already know it's because she's about to die.

However, before any triggers can be pulled The Man of Steel bursts through the warehouse's wall. Superman leaving rescues to the last second just so that he can make a dramatic entrance is pretty old hat at this point, although you'd think he would be less eager to play it this way when it's Lois who is danger.

Fortunately for Superman (who loves to show off!) Lew is so shocked by his entrance that he accidentally fires his gun straight at Lois. And here we get our very first "faster than a speeding bullet" moment.

That's history, folks!

I'd feel just awful if I didn't point out that Superman stepped in front of a hail of bullets to save Lois' life once before. Can you guess where that happened? Yeah, Superman #1.

Superman then beats up the thugs, and takes 'em off to Jail. Lois begs him to stay with her, but Superman simply says "Sorry -- I can't remain!"

That's all sorts of romantic, until you realize why he couldn't stay. See, Lois returns to the Daily Star to turn in her story on the jewel smugglers, only to find that Clark Kent scooped her and his story is already in print. That's right, he couldn't remain because he had to rush home to steal her story from her. Lois is for her part surprised that Clark is even alive. These two sure do treat each other like shit! THE END.

Well that was certainly a lazily written tale. Hey, remember the lady that wanted her husband back? Well neither did the man who wrote this story!

NEXT TIME: Superman #4 begins!

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Superman vs. a Dam, Lois vs. Clark

Disaster! The Valleyho (home of California's biggest slut?) Dam is ready to burst, its walls already cracking under the pressure of an unprecedented rainfall!

Just a few years from now ("now" being October 1938) you could be certain that an evil alien, robot, or fat guy who likes toys a lot was behind this. However this is a more innocent time for comics, Jerome Siegel has no reason to "spice up" these events as his audience at the time would be sufficiently thrilled by the mere presence of Superman. Even back then they'd no doubt seen a few dam-bursting stories, but those centred around perfectly mortal heroes, nothing compared to Superman. He was unique among heroes at the time, who consisted of jungle men, cowboys, and private dicks and thus a draw all on his own.

Back in the comic: Editor wants Clark on this story right away, rejecting Lois' offer to cover it because it's too damn important for a girl. Rightfully angered by this, Lois finds Clark before their editor can and asks him to cover a story on a woman giving birth to septuplets. Here we get another glimpse into why Lois has no respect for Clark, as he essentially drools all over her in his eagerness to please.

Clark is suprised to find that there is no woman birthing septuplets at the local hospital, and begins to suspect that Lois is up to something. Returning to the office he is informed of the story he has now missed, the last train has already left see, and summarily fired! Superman however knows a faster way to reach Valleyho (what a fun name to say!), and in all honesty needs to eat something because his legs are wasting away. Not that the blue belt with monstrous headlight buckle is doing him any favours.

For about the 8 millionth time Superman proves that yes, he can outrun a train. I think we get it! But we should also know by now that Superman never races a train without a good reason, even if that reason doesn't present itself until the race is complete. Speeding ahead of the train Superman finds that the bridge it is about to cross is moments from collapsing due to the quickly rising water, so you know he be proppin' that shit UP until the train passes.

Lois, who was on the train, arrives at the station to find the city's populace fleeing for their lives. She hails a taxi and asks to be taken to the dam, but the driver instead gives her the car as he is leaving the city via train. Meanwhile despite Superman's attempts to hold it together the dam collapses, washing Lois' car from the road in a torrent of water.

Seeing a woman in distress, Superman leaps to her aid pulling her unconscious form from the submerged automobile. He is then off like a rocket racing the flood water, Lois' limp body in his arms. Eventually he reaches a rocky outcropping which, using muscles of pure steel, he pushes into the water's path stopping the flood before it can cause any harm to the city below.

Lois kisses Superman, and declares her love for him. As Superman drops her back in Valleyho (isn't that the Slumdog Millionaire song?) she begs him to stay with her always, a request he responds to with a solid "perhaps we'll meet again!" Christ, she's as spineless as Clark!

Returning with the story Clark is, of course, rehired at the Daily Star. Back at the office he confronts Lois with a manly "That wasn't a nice stunt you pulled on me! But I still like you!" Okay I was wrong, no one's as spineless as Clark. In response Lois tells him she doesn't care, and then thinks about how Superman is a "real he-man". Which he is.

If there's one lesson to take from this story it's that the editor was right, a woman couldn't handle the story. That's a pretty awful lesson. Kids, don't read this!

I've only barely scanned the story, but I still feel confident in saying...

NEXT TIME: The best Superman tale yet!

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