Lois Lane, Murderess

As Clark sits around the office complaining that the news isn't coming to him (who hired this idiot?) Lois lectures him on proper reporting before setting out to find a story.

Okay, so no one is going to give a damn about some jeweler with a security system, at least it's better than the blank page soaked in his own tears and snot Clark submitted.  Unfortunately, before she can actually speak to the jeweler Lois is chroloroformed from behind by an unseen assailant.  Meanwhile Clark, inspired by Lois' own actions, goes to the police station to ask them if they have anything he can write about, and instead of telling him to do his own homework an officer brings him for a ride-along.

Sadly for Clark his arch-nemesis "Scoop" Carter of the Morning Pictorial finds his way in too!  At this point you don't even need to worry whether or not hijinx will ensue, because it's guaran-damn-teed.  The officer takes the two reporters to the house of a man named Norval, who happens to be the exact same person Lois was going to interview.  It seems there are reports of a disturbance of some kind and the three men are going to check it out.

Arriving at Norval's place they find that his much touted security system consists of having more rooms than might normally be found within a house.  Fool proof.  Not one to be defeated by a mere door, Clark uses his x-ray vision to find the room containing Norval, who is laying dead on the floor.

Scoop calls the story in to his paper, but rips the phone out of the wall before Clark can do the same.  Clark whines briefly before noticing, via super hearing, that Lois is locked in an adjoining room, unconscious.  It is left to the reader to imagine how Clark became familiar with the sound of Lois' breathing as she sleeps.

The officer, suspecting Lois of having gone on a coke-fueled stealing spree, immediately arrests her for the murder.  Also, her purse is full of stolen jewels.  Someone is setting Lois up to take the fall!  The idea is that the crazy door security system locked her in, which is why she didn't escape post-murder. 

Superman suspects she is innocent because she's his pal and so, having no respect for the law, busts her out of the squad car she's been placed in and runs off with her under a hail of bullets.

Lois tries to talk about girly things like feelings (gross!) and Superman tells her to shut her yap, he's got more important things to do like interfere in a police investigation.  God, when will women understand!? 

Causing every officer investigating the scene of the crime to run outside by knocking over an urn (!!) Superman uses his super memory to recognize that Lois' fingerprints are on the murder weapon.  Seems the odds are stacked against her!

So I remember exactly what her fingerprints look like?  That's not weird.

The police come back, presumably having returned the urn to an upright position, and Superman makes a deal with them: they let him prove who the real killer is, and, well, that's it.  They tell him the two people who would profit most from Norval's death are his nephews, John and Henry.  Superman sets out to grab them and the architect, Burkley, who designed the many-roomed house in the hopes the man will show them around the maze of rooms.

Breaking into John's apartment Superman learns that he's on a plane, possibly fleeing after having committed the murder.  Chasing the plane down on foot Superman leaps onto it in mid-air and rips the door off because how else are you going to get to a person on a passenger plane?  Wait for it to land?  God no.  Superman doesn't have that kind of time, are you nuts?   You must be thinking of Timeman.  And even he doesn't have that kind of time because that's just ridiculous.

So, John held under one arm, Superman leaps from the plane and runs to cousin Henry's house.  On the way there John reveals that his uncle sent him the plane tickets, which I guess is suspicious for some reason.  After knocking on Henry's door Superman uses his x-ray eyes to see the man hiding a mysterious package in a drawer.  Nosy as ever Superman busts into the house, shoves Henry aside, and tears the hidden package open revealing an expensive necklace.  Henry claims that his uncle sent him the necklace to sell, and that he didn't want anyone to know it was being sold.  Superman believes this may be a clue (it isn't!), and rushes off to Burkley the architect's home, one man under each arm.

Finding Burkley tired due to just having completed a rush job Superman tells him to suck it up because he's going with him whether he likes it or not.  Now three men under his arms Superman rushes back to the scene of the crime.

Throwing (!!) the men through the open window to the waiting officers, Superman hurries off to bring Lois to the scene.  Meanwhile, the officers bring another suspect in the form of a security guard Norval had fired the week before.  I have now given you every clue provided in this story, can you figure out who the killer is??  The answer may chill you to your soul.

But first Superman spins Scoop over his head because, well, why not?

Our story coming to a close Superman finds something hidden in a radio and brings an officer into the hallway to show him what it is.  Bursting back into the room the officer tells Burkley he's under arrest for the murder!  It seems what Superman found was another brilliant piece of security; a camera activated only by the sound of guns firing that captured the architect killing Norval.  It was next to the camera activated by the sound of a knife stabbing someone, and the one activated by the sound of poison being swallowed.

Norval admits to the crime, Superman reveals the camera was a lie meant to trick him into admitting his guilt (thank God something so stupid doesn't exist) and Lois is exonerated.  The end!  In case you're wondering how exactly Superman figured out who the murderer was he "prides [himself] on being a judge of character."  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to How to Write an Unsatisfying Mystery 101.

And I'll just assume Superman apologized to the innocent men he treated like criminals off camera.  A scene too awkward to draw.

Superman and the Miracle Drug

Hold onto your hats and batten down your hatches, because Morton EFFING Craig has been arrested for grand larceny!  I'm not even kidding, but I wish I was.  Morton Craig.  I mean, wow.  Since we've never actually heard of the guy before Clark informs us that he is the most honest man in the world and his sudden turn to crime is shocking, which clues us in to the fact that Something Is Up.  After being needlessly sassed by Lois Clark interviews Morton who refuses to speak.

As Clark goes to leave a man by the name of Dr. Bren enters to give Morton an injection.  Clark, who has super hearing this issue, listens in as the two men discuss the fact that Dr. Bren is somehow related to Morton's imprisonment.  Clark observes that Bren himself looks worried, but I would be too if he was flirting with me like that.

Dat ass looks attention worthy.

Changing into his alter ego, Superman now follows Bren as he leaves the police station.  Arriving at his destination Dr. Bren meets with a man named Carlin, who Morton has promised to squeal on if he is not let out of jail.  Hearing this, Carlin orders a hit on Morton and I find myself wishing there were less boring names to remember.

Obviously our hero isn't going to allow any murders that he doesn't commit himself, so he waits for the hitmen to enter a car, picks it up and throws it at a police officer.  It should be no surprise that this leads to them all being arrested, Metropolis having outlawed any and all accidents the year prior.

Yeah, drive there.  In your freshly crashed vehicle.

Spying Carlin walking somewhere Superman follows him on the sly, and is led to a mysterious building.  Stealthily breaking in by throwing a tree at the guard Superman finds Carlin congratulating a professor on his creation of a drug named Parabiolene, which does something nebulously positive.  The professor is not aware of Carlin's criminal background, and believes him simply to be a business investor, thus we know we are meant to sympathize with this brilliant man of science.  Actually this whole thing calls to mind a parable for the creation and use of the atomic bomb; brilliant scientist doing sciencey stuff for the love of science, their creation doing more damage than they had ever dreamed, except this story predates even the first testing so I guess it's meaningless.  So close.

Suddenly another crime boss comes and tries to kill Carlin and really, who cares?  Superman stops the guy, but allows himself to be caught, then fakes his own death when Carlin has his men shoot him.  And if you haven't had enough "Superman follows someone somewhere" action then you are in luck, because he follows his murderers to a factory!

Shocked to see Superman alive after having killed him the thugs shout to a random factory worker to stop Superman, and boy does he try!

Was that really necessary?  An intruder in the factory you are paid minimum wage to work in?  Better melt his features off.  Superman then tears the place to shreds because he figures it can't be doing anything good, except at this point we know it's producing the Parabiolene which cures...things, so how bad can it really be?

We next see our hero delivering a Macho Man Randy Savage elbow drop to the roof of the building he left both the drug's inventor and Carlin in.  At this point, having seen Carlin have Superman killed, the professor is realizing he's not the kindly business tycoon he once seemed to be.  Superman saves the professor from Carlin, though if he thought he was in peril why did he waste all that time with allowing himself to be captured and killed?  Expert story telling is the answer.

Finally the entire master plan is revealed, Carlin uses this miracle drug to save people's lives and make them steal for him in order to keep receiving their fix of life giving drugs, a plan bold in its flagrant stupidity.  Let's look at this for a moment, why would you ever force people to steal for you when others would do it willingly?  That's just adding an extra headache.  Why, if you had control of the world's entire supply of a miracle cure-all, would you waste it on this boneheaded plan instead of selling it?  Especially since it requires regular doses and could be sold eternally.  Could anything be more valuable than this??  But sure, use it to make people steal candy bars, whatever.

The professor feels terrible regret over having created the drug that allowed Carlin to commit crimes, and kills himself.  Superman has the hospital put the body in an artificial fever machine, "and keep the temperature high," which at this point couldn't possibly do anything but speed up decomposition and create a lovely smell, but Superman has a plan;  he rushes off to Dr. Bren (remember him!?) and gets him to inject the professor with Parabiolene which...cures his death.  Brilliant.  Bravo.  The existence of this drug invalidates all future tension in any possible storyline.

Finally, Superman goes and arrests Carlin, but not before he does whatever the hell this is:

Practicing for the X-Games.

And thus ends the story so dull it made me quit for over a year.

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In Which Superman Investigates a Strange Odour Part 2

Continuing from where we left off...

Superman had just destroyed the autogyro in which the villainous Mosely was escaping, sending the both of them hurtling towards the ground and certain death.  We pick up as Superman trails Mosely on foot post-crash.  What?  We know how Superman survived, but how did Mosely?  Sucka didn't even have a parachute!  And if he survived the fall why would he assume Superman of all people didn't?  Well if Siegel and Shuster don't care, neither do I.

Mosely eventually reaches a solid mountain wall, which he pushes upon to reveal a secret passage.  Following him into the mountain passage Superman quickly encounters a motorized door which requires a spoken password to enter.  Loudly musing to himself that he has no idea what the password is, Superman activates a trap door beneath his feet sending the Man of Tomorrow careening into a deadly spiked pit trap:

That is actually awesome.  Deciding this is no time to relax, Superman rises from the pit only to be met by a vat of acid being poured directly upon his head.  This, of course, does nothing and Superman tears the vat from its hinges before throwing it at the locked door, destroying both.  More importantly than that though we learn the first ever explanation for why Superman's costume never gets damaged when it really ought to be!  Are you ready for this?  Here it is!

Wow, that tells us a lot!  We learn that Superman's costume is invincible and that we were fools for ever viewing it as a plothole, that Superman is secretly a brilliant scientist despite this fact never having been hinted at before, and we even learn that he's kind of a dick for not sharing this miracle cloth with the rest of the world.

Behind the door Superman finds Mosely talking to Lex Luthor himself via television screen (WHY DID HE COME ALL THIS WAY THEN).  Mosely ask's Luthor for stock-market advice, which Luthor gladly gives, reminding Mosely that he gets 75% of his profits (!!) for this information.  Coulda done this by phone you guys, seriously.

Superman bursts onto the scene, shouting that Luthor's "evil career is ending NOW!"  This guy is smart enough to invent invincible cloth, but he can't tell a tv from a real person?  Superman's bullheadedness leads him into a trap: as two antenna zap him with powerful electricity the Man of Steel feels no ill effect and is instead charged as though he had spent the past year rubbing his feet on a carpet, a static charge he uses to destroy the vile television with a single light touch.

Protecting Mosely from the exploding tv's shrapnel, Superman then must rush from the cavern (Mosely cradled gently in his arms) as it does what evil caverns do best and collapses.  Once safely outside Superman asks Mosely just what the heck is up with that incense!  Remember that?  It's such a mystery!  You will be absolutely floored to learn that Luthor uses the incense to enslave prominent men across the nation.

Okay you probably figured that out quite a while ago, but don't get too cocky thinking you're better than Superman, I doubt any of us have invented invincible thread.

Superman asks Mosely for a list of the men Luthor has enslaved, which Mosely conveniently has in a giant walk-in safe back at his office.  As Superman enters the safe to retrieve the list, Mosely unsurprisingly locks him in.  Equally unsurprisingly Superman breaks out immediately!  As if it wasn't bad enough that Luthor used his own face to emit the mind-control gas, he also gives us underlings lists of everyone under his control? The guy wants to be stopped, it's all a cry for help.

Asking Mosely where Luthor's hideout is, the Man of Tomorrow learns that he will be meeting with his victims at the Garriston Tower. 

Fearful of what will become of him should his betrayal be found out, Mosely opts to kill himself by jumping from his office window.  Sadly for him, Superman leaps after him and tosses the man back inside before he can reach the ground.  Climbing back through the window himself, Superman then pinches a nerve in Mosely's neck, knocking the man unconscious.  I feel like I should that at the start of the story Mosely had black hair and was clean-shaven, while at this point he has white hair and a moustache.  This is obviously very inept continuity, but it's also important because...

By concentrating really hard Superman makes himself look exactly like Mosely, complete with gray hair and moustache.  Oh, cool!  We're just learning so much about Superman today.  I wonder how often he turns himself into Lois and stares at himself in the mirror before collapsing in a weeping heap on the floor. [edit: John Dyne of the Something Awful forums rightly notes that this power would be mighty useful in protecting a secret identity.  But why bother, eh?]

Superman, as Mosely, attends the Garriston Tower meeting but is quickly recognized by Luthor...who for some reason has gray hair.  But only for two panels, as his hair becomes brown for the next two.  Which is cool, except it's established that he's a flippin' ginger!

Having recognized Superman, Luthor orders his guards to attack which naturally does nothing.  Luthor, always one to plan ahead, makes escape in a plane built into the building's wall somehow.  God, I don't know.

Superman catches the plane in a single mighty leap, and sends it crashing into the ocean below.  Declaring this to be "The end of Luthor" Superman doesn't think to search for a body, and we end with Editor George Taylor congratulating Clark on finding the list of Luthor's victims and having restored the United States to its former prosperity.

Note the "moustache dissapearing" lines.  Classic.

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In Which Superman Investigates a Strange Odour

Superman has once before done battle with a failing economy, but has he done it within the pages of issue 5?  No, so it's all new to us!

Editor George Taylor sends ace reporter Clark Kent to interview Metropolis' "leading men of finance" to learn just what is up with the "worst depression" in United States history!  Frustratingly for the reporter, Clark is fed placating words by these rockstars of the financial world, and his questioning leads him no closer to discovering the truth of the matter. He does however notice that in every office he visits there is the same "sickeningly sweetish odor of incence".  His curiousity getting the better of him Clark eventually asks one of the men, Gregory, what the source of the odour is only to be met with nervous uncertainty.  Not believing the man's explanation that the odour is just a "peculiarity" of his, Clark stops and listens outside his office, an act which causes him to overhear Gregory reporting Clark's presence to a mysterious person on the other side of the phone.

Once outside the office Clark notices a bomber flying over the city, ready to discharge its deadly payload on the unsuspecting populace.  Leaping into an alley, Clark removes his outer clothing instantly transforming himself into his alter-ego: Superman!  I hope he uses a phonebooth soon.  Give the public what they crave!

Superman leaps toward the bomber, noticing in mid-air that its bombs are headed directly for The Daily Planet offices!  Catching the bombs before they can reach their target, Superman then drops them in the river...thus making them someone else's problem I guess.  Defuse them?  Detonate them somewhere harmless?  Nah, just drop 'em in the river.

Reassuming his guise as Clark Kent, our hero deduces that Gregory likely ordered this hit on the Planet in order to put a stop to the reporter's snooping.  Really?  I think having Clark quietly killed might be a little more effective than bombing his workplace from the sky!  You can't even play something like that off as an accident!  Hell, he didn't even allow Clark time to get back before trying to blow the place up.

Clark's next course of action is to return to Gregory's office and interrogate him about what the hell just happened.  Gregory tells Clark that he has just phoned the police and informed them someone is coming to kill him.  As Clark turns to look out the window in search of confirmation, Gregory shoots himself explaining that his orders were to frame the reporter for murder.

Clark obviously has no intention of being arrested, and leaps out the window before the police see him.  Circling the building Clark re-enters as though he had just arrived and informs the police that it is not a murder case at all, but (noting the bullet's angle of entry) a suicide!  No one finds it strange that Clark noticed the angle of entry at a glance from the otherside of the room.

Witty references abound!

Having phoned the office to deliver his report thus far, Clark next heads back to the previously visited (offscreen) finance office of Mr. Mosely to get to the bottom of the strange incence mystery.  Unforuntately Clark's revisitation is cut short as he is denied entry by the office's secretary, and summarily tossed on his ass.

Having no intention of giving up Clark uses his superior strength to dig his fingers into the brick of the building, and Spiderman his way to Mosely's private office.  Hiding in a closet, Clark overhears Mosely and two generic thugs gloating about all the money they're raking in while the rest of the country suffers.  In a baffling sequence one of the thugs hangs his coat on a hook next to Clark's face while Clark thinks "-Didn't see me!  Whew!-", only to have his feet be spotted in the subsequent panel.  What was the point of that?  Was it meant to be funny?  When telling a joke the audience shouldn't have to wonder if it was even meant to be one.  Here, take a look for yourself:

Is that funny?  Does it even flow naturally? 

Back to business, the thugs yank Clark out of his hiding place, only to have him break free and dash to a previously unmentioned curtain from behind which the strange odour is apparently emanating.  Pulling back the curtain, Clark reveals:

YYYEEESSSS!!!!  Finally, a real villain again!  I mean sure, it's the same one it always is, but beggars can't be choosers as they say.

The thugs sock Clark in the kisser for having seen too much, and lead him at gunpoint to an open elevator shaft, down which he is subsequently thrown.  You know, Clark is really lucky no one ever shoots him, unless he's constantly carrying around some ketchup packets to burst he'd have a hard time explaining himself.

The thugs come to dispose of Clark's body and are met with a man in blue/red underwear who, they are surprised to find, cannot be hurt by bullets.  Disposing of the thugs, Superman then climbs to the roof of the building across from Mosely's and watches (using X-Ray vision!) as the villain is ordered via statue to meet with Luthor himself.

Mosely climbs aboard a newly arrived autogyro and heads toward Luthor.  Superman gives chase, but is quickly spotted.  Annoyed by the gyro having turned its guns on him, Superman leaps into the air and tears its whirling blades apart.  This results in both him and the ejecting Mosely plummeting toward the earth, and their certain doom...

Terrible perspective -OR- How does Mosely even fit in that thing?

The exciting conclusion tomorrow!

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Superman and the Newspaper Wars

The second story in issue 5 gets off to a rip-roaring start when unpopular politician Alex Evell (his name makes me trust him) forces Zachary Collum (giving his name because Siegel did, maybe it'll be important!) to sell his paper the Morning Pictorial, under threat of his wife and son coming to harm.  Clark and Lois find this news unbelievable for an entire panel before we cut to a city council meeting where Representative Barnes is angrilly requesting a probe of Evell's actitivites.  "As a result, honest up-right Barnes is denounced in the Morning Pictorial as a rapscallion." and never heard from again, in this story at least.

The Pictorial's new agenda becomes even clearer when, in response to some thugs complaining to him about the cops busting up their various operations, Evel prints a headline declaring the police department guilty of "third degree methods."  Are papers allowed to print blatant lies?  I actually don't know.  If you value your sides you won't look at the article's author though.  Consider yourself warned!

Clark interviews the chief of police who confirms his suspicions of the article consisting entirely of lies, which then leads Clark to write an article of his own revealing the truth.  This in turn leads to Evell confronting Daily Planet publisher Burt Mason (who?).  Evell says that despite his outrage at the situation he will "consent" to buying the Planet, a piece of information that leads Mason (who?) to kick him out of his office.  Evell declares war.

And by God he means it: we next see Clark and Lois rushing outside the newspaper office to witness the still-in-process burning of a Daily Planet news truck.  The thug who commited this act of arson is casually standing in the street admiring his handiwork, and so is on hand to tell L&C there will be more damage if Burt Mason (who?) doesn't consent to selling his paper.  To make sure they understand he means business the thug then hilariously pie-faces Clark.  Lois is naturally dissapointed that her companion isn't a "he-man" and storms off.  Neither of the two think to call the cops.

Editor George Taylor fears for Lois' safety on the now-dangerous streets and orders her to remain in the building, while Clark timidly beats feet to get some "RED HOT NEWS".  Once out of eyeshot of his compatriots, Clark reveals himself to be none other than the Last Son of Krypton - Superman!

Superman muses to himself that the Planet is too conservative a paper to hire thugs, leaving him its only defender.  I would make a joke about the police not existing in this universe, but they've already been featured within this very story.  Whatever, Superman does what he wants!

We next see Superman as he observes the Daily Planet trucks leaving to deliver the latest edition. The trucks are not even able to split into their various routes before they find their path blocked by thugs driving Pictorial trucks.  The thugs emerge from their vehicles, promising to smash the skulls of the opposing paper's drivers. (wow!)  Superman ain't one to stand around during this kind of thing, so he leaps between the two newpaper deliveryman armies and begins to smash the thugs' trucks.  It's kinda awesome:

Next an armoured truck hurtles towards our hero, described as "tank-like" it is clearly being built up as a threat to Superman.  Of course, our man flips it over immediately without giving it a second thought.  Honestly, I'd be pretty bummed if I had bought an armoured Superman-destroying contingency truck only to see it be defeated within three panels, two of which are just Superman tossing it aside like it's made of paper.

Some of the thugs attempt to escape in a stolen Daily Planet truck, an egress which is quickly cut short when Superman places the truck on top of an industrial smokestack.  I guess the Planet didn't need that truck anyway.

Things go typically insane as a Pictorial thug attempts to run over a newsboy along with his stand, and another runs a Planet truck off a cliff.  These thugs are in no way anonymous mind you, they're all driving Pictorial trucks, their affiliation is clear.  Even if they manage to stop the Planet from being circulated for a day, they'll still have murdered in the name of Evell and his paper.  Did anyone think this plan through?  I'm not just talking about Evell either, I'm wondering if Jerry Siegel read this before sending it to print.

Naturally, Superman saves the aforementioned potential victims before any harm can come to them.  One guy does get thrown through a reinforced plate glass window and is never seen again, but Superman can't be expected to save everyone!  Come on!  He does take the window-throwing thug and, informing the man he had better tell his boss to cut it out, throws him through Evell's office window.

As the thug delivers Superman's message the Man of Steel hangs from Evell's window ledge, hoping to hear important secrets.  Unfortunately Evell notices his fingers gripping the ledge, and in an attempt to dislodge our hero smashes his digits with an axe.  This has the obvious effect on the axe, but surprisingly Superman turns tail and runs.  However an instant later he returns and listens in once more, knowing that Evell would never suspect him to return so quickly.  I guess Siegel knew the old "Superman hangs from window, overhears plot" gimmick was getting old, so he introduced a bit of utterly pointless spice!  Nevermind the fact that we've already borne witness to Superman's heightened sense of hearing, a power that should really make window-hanging obsolete.

From his position outside the window Superman hears Evell call Lois Lane, pretending to be from "Bentley Hospital", and asking her to come check on an injured Clark Kent!  The fiesty and concerned Lois breaks Editor George Taylor's house arrest rule and rushes to the hospital, where she is immediately (and typically) kidnapped by a thug.  Having overheard the plan Superman, instead of stopping the kidnapping in one of a million different ways available to him, clings to the bottom of the getaway car as it escapes.

The thugs take Lois into a room and prepare to shoot Superman should he attempt to save her, which he does.  As usual, Superman puts off the saving to make it as difficult as possible.  Just so we know that the guy whose head smashed into a curb while clinging to the bottom of a speeding car is invulnerable the thugs shoot him with an Elephant gun to no effect.  Ohhhh, he can't be hurt!  Now I get it.

At this point Evell is so desperate to kill Superman that he decides to burn the building to the ground, killing Lois and his own hired thugs along with him.  Naturally Superman saves everyone, and the betrayed thugs agree to testify against Evell.  That Collum guy (see?  Knowing that name was totally important!) from the opening gets his paper back, and Clark is hilariously denied a vacation because now that the Planet has competition he is needed more than ever.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.

Superman vs. Gambling

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Superman Issue 5!

To start this exciting Superman adventure intrepid reporters Lois and Clark bear witness to a crooked convenience store owner tricking kids into losing their lunch money on his slot machines.  The guy is clearly a total jerk (what does he want with a few nickels anyway?), but even still the panic with which Lois/Clark interrupt the children's slot-use is a bit over the top.  The guy kicks them out of his store, and Lois can't help but call Clark a coward for not kicking the crap out of him.  Was beating people up for doing stuff you don't like really common in the 40s, or is Lois just crazy?

One of the boys realizes he will be late for school due to his newfound gambling addiction, and rushes into the street without looking both ways first!!  Heck, they were probably going to teach that lesson in class today, another failure of the public school sysem.  Clark sees the boy about to be hit by a truck, and leaps to his rescue.  This act of heroism is met with high praise from the truck driver, and even Lois!  Fearing they are on to his secret identity, Clark takes this opportunity to faint.

"Good, you should be."

Entering a store in search of a glass of water to calm Clark's jangled nerves, L&C discover yet another slot machine!  Looking at the shopkeep's moustache Clark deems him to be an upstanding citizen, and asks why he'd have a child-corrupting devil machine in his store.  The moustachioed proprietor explains that "Slug" Kelly and his toughs (enough with the toughs!) forced him to make use of it.

Lois heads to Slug's hideout, Clark timidly following along.  Unfortunately asking Slug to stop stealing lunch money from grade-schoolers only leads to him locking our heroes up.  Letting the two sweat for a while in captivity, Slug eventually brings Lois a paper to sign admitting that her editor (George Taylor, for you trivia buffs!) is in league with Slug in the slot-machine biz, and that Lois herself is their go-between!  Lois refuses to sign, until Slug threatens the life of Clark Kent.  Unwilling to let an innocent suffer when she can do something about it, Lois signs the fraudulent paper.

But little do they all know, Clark Kent is actually Superman!  Still locked in a seperate room, Clark changes into his blue tights and blasts the door from its hinges sending "screws and bolts flying" through the air!  The next panel brilliantly shows him catching it before it can hit the ground, as Superman states he doesn't want to make too much noise lest anyone hear him.  There are probably quieter ways of opening doors than punching them off their hinges, but I can't think of any and neither can Superman!

Look at this asshole, he even shouts "Make way!" as he punches it! 

Obviously Superman isn't afraid of getting hurt by these ordinary dudes, so he's likely being "quiet" to spare Lois potential harm.  Of course the next thing he does is shout "I'm on my way!" as he runs down the hall, and straight into a thug.  Being run into by a charging Superman isn't something a person is likely to recover from quickly, so I assume a good amount of time takes place between the panel where Superman bumps the guy and the next where the poor fool pulls a gun.  Superman, naturally, slaps the bullet back into the gun thus disarming the thug.  We know he loves to show off, but what about being quiet??  For Lois' sake, man!

The very next thing he does is go into a room full of slot machines and punch the shit out of them, before throwing them through the wall and into the building's back lot.  Is that quiet??

Evidently not!

The thugs find him destroying more machines, and fire their tommy guns at him to no effect.  Next they try gas, and Superman...

Oh my God!  This is too much.  Lois is in danger, and this guy decides to pretend to pass out for fun?  Is it too late to call someone competant?  The Bizarro of this world must be one heroic dude.

The thugs try to kill him with blunt objects while he's down, with an obvious conclusion.  Let's just, not get into it. 

 

Superman "awakens" and the thugs next try to kill him with torches they pulled from God knows where, perhaps mistaking him for Frankenstein's monster.  Tossing the torches aside, and setting the building ablaze in the process, Superman takes the time to recover some documents from a vault.  Slug and his men flee the building, leaving Lois and "the strong man" to burn.

Oh yeah, Lois!  Well hey, she's passed out from smoke inhalation because someone was too busy dicking around to save her.  This is what she deserves for selflessly sacrificing on your behalf not two minutes ago, Superman you ass.  No worries though, Superman carries her outside before going back for "Clark" (actually the secret documents!).

Things begin to wrap up: as Lois' admission that her editor was in cahoots with Slug is printed in a rival paper Clark uses the stolen documents to prove the claim false.  Superman then goes around town smashing up all the slot machines, while Lois gets kidnapped by Slug and his cronies as they drive out of town!

The kindly moustachioed shopkeep decides to get rid of his own slot machine before Superman arrives, an act which the passing Slug plans to put a stop to.  However, before Slug can harm the old man Superman intervenes and saves both the moustache and Lois.

Carrying Slug to the local public school, Superman makes him tell the children that his machines were fixed and they never could have won.  Which, really, isn't going to dissuade them from gambling.  "Oh, the fixed machines are gone?  Great, now we can gamble safely!"  Another good job, Superman.

The story finally (finally) comes to an end as a police sergeant is unable to arrest Slug due to lack of witnesses to his confession...until hundreds of children pour into the station!  How the hell did they know?  Creepy psychic kids.

Just to drive home how angry slots make Superman, we end with him looking directly at us with more disgust than I think I've ever witnessed in a human being.  I'm so sorry Superman, I will never gamble!

Superman is a Criminal and Should be Stopped

We begin, as usual, with Clark being assigned a story. In this case Chief has an inside tip that there might be "some excitement" down at the truck drivers' union meeting! Hey Chief, here's another inside tip: union meetings aren't exciting!

Not even when a member of the audience stands up and demands the chairman step down, only to be punched in the Goddamn face by said chairman . Let's put this in perspective: to you and I someone getting punched in the face at a union meeting would be very exciting. We'd tell this story to everyone we know, heck we'd probably even stop people in the street to share the news! But Superman spent the last couple days fighting herbivorous dinosaurs and talking to faces on missiles, I don't even know how he can stay awake for this crap.

The driving force of the story at this point is that "notorious racketeer" Gus Snide is trying to muscle his way into the union. After the, *ahem*, "excitement" at the meeting the punchy union chairman Carlson gives Clark an exclusive interview, but when he receives a phonecall informing him that his daughter has been kidnapped he quickly ushers the intrepid reporter out the door. However, Clark (who is secretly Superman!) uses his powerful ears to overhear the hushed telephone conversation.

Clark realizes that the kidnappers could not have known he was on-site unless they themselves were nearby, and quickly locates them in a car across the street (brilliant!). The kidnappers have decided to stab the little girl in her face because...well, because otherwise they wouldn't be evil enough.

Go ahead and try to figure out the perspective on that car interior. Also: Whoops, forgot to draw the knife!

Superman blocks the knife with the palm of his hand, and having secured the little girl in his arms kicks the villains' car into a telephone pole. The two men make their escape on foot, with Superman allowing them to escape and lead him to their boss, Gus Snide.

Upon hearing that his men have been beaten by a strong man, Gus correctly assumes that Superman has butted in. It's nice to see that Superman is gaining some notoriety here, and cute that the henchmen assume he's nothing but a myth.

Superman listens to the men plot to kill Carlson, before pulling Snide out the window and threatening to kill him if he doesn't listen to what he has to say. But the message Superman has to deliver may just shock you to your core!! He wants to join Snide's gang.

Snide doesn't buy it, and neither should we! See, Superman actually plans to gather evidence to bring them down from the inside because this is one of the arbitrarily chosen times that Superman decides punching isn't the answer. Snide poses a test to the Man of Steel: kill the union chairman, and you're in the gang! Uh oh!!

Kidnapping Carlson from his home Superman brings him back to Snide, who requests Superman kills him with a revolver. Our hero does him one better and throws the man out the window where he will fall to his gory death! Satisfied, Snide lets Superman in the gang.

But what of Carlson? Did Superman really kill him? No, Superman doesn't kill people unless you count all those times that he has done just that! Instead, he just threw Carlson high enough that he could catch him later! Carlson, when caught, is not at all happy with Superman and takes a swing at him. At this point Superman explains that he's a friend, and not out to kill him at all! Obviously there was no time to explain this earlier and save the man from potential heart attack. On top of this Superman is described as coming up with the window-throwing plan on the spot, so what the hell was he going to do in the first place?! "They asked me to kill him, so if I just bring him back with me maybe they won't know the difference. Another brilliant ruse!"

Back at Snide's we learn that with Carlson out of the way he plans to become head of the union and make all truck drivers strike, so that food distribution is halted and...people pay him money to end the strike. Whatever.

No one actually checks to see if Carlson is dead, and Snide doesn't become head of the union anyway. Instead he just forces a strike by having his thugs deny drivers' access to their trucks thus making his earlier pre-occupation with Carlson entirely unneeded.

Thankfully things get insane at this point (it's about time!) when Superman reports the plan to the police, who quickly put a stop to the attempted forced strike. As the paddy wagon makes off with the thugs Superman...beats up the officer driving the truck and frees all the criminals. What? Why did he even report it then? What a jerk.

His intentions are made even less clear when he usurps Snide as the gang's leader, and...continues the racketeering scam. Yes, seriously.

Okay, so Superman isn't really coming off too great here. But to be fair to the man we do see him anguishing over the pain he's causing as he watches milk meant for starving babies get poured onto the street. I'm sure there will be a big payoff as to why he's allowing this! I am also in the market for any bridges you might have for sale.

Snide, angry at losing his leadership role, sends a tip to the police resulting in a raid on Superman's criminal operation as Snide himself flees with the money. Superman and the other thugs all immediately vow to testify against Snide and give their confessions, following which Superman busts through the wall of the building in order to pursue the, uh, criminal mastermind. Fleeing police custody after having held a city for ransom...that's our Superman!

We cut to Snide in his getaway car, his gloating cut short as he notices Superman running up behind him on foot. Unwilling to give the ill-gotten money up, Snide instead opts to drive off a cliff into the ocean. Naturally this suicide attempt is cut short when Superman tosses the car back out of the ocean, and procures both Snide and the money from the air-borne automobile before it can touch down again. That would have been cool in a less dull story. He then turns both over to the police...THE END.

What...what the hell was that? Okay, okay, Superman became head of the crime syndicate so that Snide would betray everyone and thus he'd have testimony against him. That makes a sort of twisted sense, and starving a city/killing babies was undeniably worth it. But we've all seen Superman kill in cold blood before, so there was nothing stopping him here from just popping Snide off. He also clearly has no respect for the law given his actions in this story alone, so again...just kill the guy. But okay, I'm probably too hung up on the killing here. After all, Superman's alter-ego Clark Kent is a reporter and could have easily busted this op wide open with all the information he had as the leader of it. In fact, that's a pretty big part of the reason he became a Superhero/reporter I think. Superman just likes to do things the hard way.

What an insane, yet strangely dull, way to end Superman #4!

Next time: Superman hates slot machines! So much!

Interlude

Why is The Spectre in Fun Comics? And that's certainly not the Ultraman I know and love (okay, neither is that).

Superman vs. The Economic Crisis Part 2!

Superman arrives at the bridge just in time to throw a boulder at a detonator, thus preventing the explosion of factories all over the city! Punching the thug in charge of the now-destroyed detonator into a tree, Superman threatens to strike him again if he doesn't give him some info. Actually, that's not entirely true but it's what the thug assumes. It's pretty clear Superman just wanted to punch him again, as he doesn't offer an alternative.

Superman doesn't trust this thug's train info, and so brings him along to check no doubt hoping to find an excuse to cave his face in with a titanic right hand. Fortunately for the thug's face the two find a section of the tracks missing, and a train quickly approaching! Superman's attempt to stop the train by warning the engineer leads to the single funniest panel in Superman history:

Poor engineer, so starved for human contact.

So Superman does the only thing he can, and stops the train using his bare hands! At the last possible second, naturally. The engineer wants to thank him, and asks who he is (does no one read newspapers? He's pretty recognizable!) but Superman ain't got time for no chattin'.

He fears he has lost the thug, but quickly finds him calling Calhoun from a drug store. Emerging from the store the thug is dragged into an alley by our hero, where he quickly divulges Calhoun's location...the Barton Manor! Done with his whipping boy, Superman knocks him the heck out with a Vulcan nerve pinch.

But first there's a loose end to tie up! Remember, if you will, that there was yet another thug whose car Superman destroyed. Well this thug is tampering with a steel mill in order to prevent the workers from workin', but Superman's intervention causes him to fall into a vat of molten ore. Total waste of time, but at least it allowed us to see a man die horribly!

Superman next arrives at Calhoun's place and finds the evil man talking to himself about how much he'd like to beat up The Last Son of Krypton! Wuh-oh! Calhoun's a crafty one though, and quickly offers Superman a drink. Of poison!! Superman downs the drink, and Calhoun gloats about how he has just sealed his own doom. The next panel shows Superman sitting at Calhoun's dining room table, with Calhoun screaming at him about how it's been two minutes and he should be dead by now.

So what, did these two idiots just sit in silence awaiting Superman's death? That must have been awkward.

Superman then threatens to force the poison down Calhoun's throat unless he tells him why he was sabotaging industry. It turns out that the hints last issue were accurate, and Calhoun does in fact work for a mysterious man even more powerful than him! Luthor, right!?

No! It's no less than J.F. Curtis. Another brilliant reveal!

Curtis has been promised mad cash by an unnamed foreign country to destroy America's economy, and his next step is to destroy the stock market somehow! It goes without saying that this was a pretty big deal back at the time of writing, as people had not yet forgotten the Great Depression. Of course since this is a children's comic it doesn't go any deeper than that.

To begin our typically rushed conclusion Superman tucks Calhoun under his arm and rushes off to Curtis' home, where he enters through the window. He always enters through the window. If I don't mention how Superman entered a room it's because he did it through a window.

Curtis offers Superman the chance to work for him, allowing Superman to nobly refuse! Curtis kills Calhoun with red bolts of electricity, and threatens to do the same to Superman if he doesn't yield. Superman gambles everything and refuses to yield, allowing his body to be bombarded by deadly red lighting bolts! Of course they have no effect other than charging his body with the world's worst static electric charge, which he uses to kill Curtis. Stop killin' people all the time, Superman!



And so our story comes to an end, with almost nothing having been resolved. Hey Superman, why don't you go deliver a static shock to the foreign nation that hired this guy to wreck America? Nah, that's not important.

Next time: Superman the gangbanger!

Superman vs. The Economic Crisis!

Hello!

Clark is tasked with interviewing Paul Dorgan eminent sociologist about his fantastic theories, and brand new book. Upon his arrival at the man's apartment Dorgan tells Clark that no, he cannot view his manuscript and to just print that there are evil people trying to stop the return of national prosperity. Good God, this story could have been written today!

No sooner is Clark out the door than he hears a gunshot ring out from within Dorgan's apartment. Re-entering, he finds Dorgan dead of an apparent suicide, and within his hand a scrap of paper...

His name is what!? I need to know! They couldn't possibly use Luthor for a fourth time in a row, could they? Guess we'll see.

Clark returns to the Daily Planet to learn that in the half an hour he's been absent the whole world has gone to the dogs. Editor George Taylor informs him that airplanes are crashing, ships are sinking, and the business world is in a panic.

Based on this Superman decides that there might be something to Dorgan's claims, and heads back to the author's apartment to do some snooping. However, excitement awaits within when Superman finds that a THUG is searching the apartment alongside him! The thug pulls a gun and shoots Superman killing him instantly.

No, you know what happens. Superman then demands to know who the thug is working for.

Meanwhile some free-range thugs observe from another building, and after a quick call to their mysterious boss they report a burglary within Dorgan's apartment. Whoever this boss is, he's devious!

The police arrive and Superman bravely busts through a wall to escape. See, when other people commit crimes (such as breaking and entering!) they deserve to go to jail. But Superman is really strong, and thus above such things.

Then stop breaking the law!

The police do manage to arrest the thug, but as they walk him to the car his thug friends shoot him so he can't turn stoolie.

The men flee in a car, easily eluding the bumbling police. Superman, however, is a different case entirely! He leaps in front of the car (causing one of the thugs to remark "Look! A man in the sky!" Almost got the catch phrase right, buddy) and, in order to prevent their escape he...tears up the road in front of the car. He then does the same behind them.

It goes without saying that this destruction of public property is entirely unnecessary but Superman's gotta be flashy. Feeling he hasn't done enough yet, Superman then throws the thugs' car off a cliff they happen to be next to, threatening to do the same to them if they don't tell him who their boss is. One of them gives in immediately and tells Superman that he works for...are you ready for this big reveal? Barney Calhoun!!!!!

Who? That's the pay off to the mystery? WOW.

Superman rushes off to discuss things with Calhoun, while one of the thugs falls off the cliff he left them on and dies. Awesome! The other calls Calhoun to warn him of Superman's arrival.

So it is that when he enters Calhoun's apartment Superman finds it empty, apart from a dictaphone which informs him that some auto plant is next on the hit list. Either Calhoun is calling himself and leaving messages about what to blow up, or he's working for someone else.

Calhoun then calls Superman on the phone and tells him to leave him alone because he is mean. Superman refuses, and the phone blows up killing him instantly. I mean it this time! Really!

At the auto plant Superman finds a guy setting some explosives, and threatens him into revealing the plot behind the bombs. Apparently every plant in the city will explode unless Superman prevents an explosion under the Western Boulevard bridge. I don't think that's how explosions work.

Can Superman stop the explosions? Is Calhoun working for someone even more sinister than himself? Will anything happen in this story? All these questions and more, answered...

Next time!

Superman vs. Jurassic Park

Carried from their destroyed plane by a giant green pterodactyl, what fate awaits Clark Kent and Lois Lane??

Fortunately for Clark, Lois has been knocked out in the attack thus allowing him to beat up the pterodactyl mid-air. Unfortunately, this leaves him with nowhere to go but down.

Upon landing in a deep jungle Clark dons his Superman costume, and notices that while Lois appears to have regained consciousness she remains dazed and unresponsive.

Deciding that the only way to cure her is to procure some water from a nearby stream, Superman rushes to do so.

Returning to Lois with his cupped hands full of life-giving water, Superman finds her about to be attacked by a giant yellow rat. What? Well hey just be glad we've moved past generic thugs at last, okay??

Superman has never been more excited for a fight, and gets so distracted in throwing this rat out to sea (where it dies) that he doesn't notice Lois being taken away in an airplane until it's too late.

Following the plane to a nearby city, Superman is ordered by Luthor's disembodied voice to offer no resistance or Lois will be killed. Luthor sends Lois to the "green laboratory" where he promises her senses will be returned. At this point Superman must be feeling pretty sheepish, after all this is bound to be a little more effective than his "water!" plan.

Luthor gives Superman a tour of the fantastic city, which you will remember was raised from the ocean floor during the last update. As it happens this is the lost continent of Pacifo, and Luthor stole the world's oil supply in order to raise it to the surface. That doesn't explain the earthquake at all, so I'll just assume it was included to be "exciting".

Next, Luthor shows Superman that he has recreated dinosaurs (a good forty years before John Hammond!) and plans to loose them on the world in order to break its spirit. WOW, that would be a brilliant plan in a world without guns!

What are those anyway, an iguana and some half-baked hornless triceratops? (leptoceratops says google!) "The cities of the world will tremble when their parks are slightly less aesthetically pleasing after my vicious herbivores have eaten all the foliage!"

However, Luthor is not without mercy and offers to spare the world the minor inconvenience of having to clean their streets of tons of dinosaur poo if Superman agrees to help him with some unspecified task. While Superman considers the offer his superhearing picks up a pair of guards discussing the fact that when Luthor sends people to "the green laboratory" he wants them DEAD.

Wait a minute, that's where Lois was sent!

Superman smashes some walls, kills some guards, and saves Lois from her fate. Luthor takes this to mean Superman will not, in fact, be helping him out and takes The Man of Steel and Lois to a giant arena. Meanwhile, AMERICA notices the strange city and sends pilots to check it out with orders to gas the place at the first sign of trouble.

Back in the arena Superman is attacked by...wow, what IS that? What's going on with its anatomy? Apart from its broken leg, it appears to be nothing less than a man in a suit. Also, take it from me: Licking babies is never the solution to your problems! Don't do what Superman does.

Superman bodyslams the tiny t-rex putting a stop to the fight almost immediately, which causes Luthor to order his guards to turn their deadly green rays on Superman. Remember those? From the first Luthor story? Continuity!

At this point those U.S. planes from earlier show up and start dropping gas everywhere without any provocation or reason whatsoever. I suppose it's possible they saw Superman and Lois being held at gunpoint and decided to help, but then why drop GAS? That's one out of control air force.

Luthor flees into a laboratory and begins to lower the city beneath the ocean once more. I already thought Luthor's dinosaur-releasing plan was retarded, but now it's clear he didn't even prepare for the eventuality that someone might attempt to stop him. This is just terrible super-villainy!

Superman, Lois cradled lovingly in his arms, chases Luthor who sets the leptoceratops and guy-in-rubber-t-rex-suit on him. Superman leaps away, and for whatever reason this causes the dinosaurs to attack Luthor instead. And as we all know Luthor died here and never appeared in a comic again.

Smashing the city's glass dome Superman destroys it and all the wonders of science contained therein. Another job well done, Clark Kent takes Lois to a doctor to deal with whatever it was that was supposed to be wrong with her.

Well shoot, that was easy! He must have given her some water. Lois doesn't remember what happened after the pterodactyl attacked, so Clark just tells her they crashed on a beach. Clark then writes a story on the crazy island (which should really prove to Lois that he's a God damn liar) and Editor George Taylor praises him for another brilliant scoop. This prompts Clark to make the funniest joke in history which I will recreate here in its entirety: "I bet even SUPERMAN couldn't have done it better!"

Oh go to Hell, Clark.

Next time: Superman races a train! Thugs do naughty things! A crime lord is called and warned of Superman's approach! Someone commits suicide! Yes, it's the most generic Superman yet!

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